


Tavros Nitram User's Manual

by achromaticBibliophile



Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [11]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Mentions of Death, Shenanigans, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23807356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achromaticBibliophile/pseuds/achromaticBibliophile
Summary: Andrew Hussie, creator of the webcomic HOMESTUCK and founder of the WHAT PUMPKIN company, back again with my loyal assistant {Despite all the glares I’ve gotten today} to bring you the latest in our TROLL UNIT line. Get ready to grab the bull by the horns folks, cause this time we’re letting the stables burst wide open to allow TAVROS NITRAM, PAGE OF BREATH and local animal whisperer free. Tav is usually a pretty chill dude and we’re positive his attitude will make him a walk in the park compared to some of the other UNITS we have lined up. However, he’s got a few issues as well so it’s highly recommended that you actual crack open the manual and start educating yourself about our bull boy wonder.
Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610812
Comments: 6
Kudos: 4





	Tavros Nitram User's Manual

**Tavros Nitram User’s Manual**

Andrew Hussie, creator of the webcomic HOMESTUCK and founder of the WHAT PUMPKIN company, back again with my loyal assistant {Despite all the glares I’ve gotten today} to bring you the latest in our TROLL UNIT line. Get ready to grab the bull by the horns folks, cause this time we’re letting the stables burst wide open to allow TAVROS NITRAM, PAGE OF BREATH and local animal whisperer free. Tav is usually a pretty chill dude and we’re positive his attitude will make him a walk in the park compared to some of the other UNITS we have lined up. However, he’s got a few issues as well so it’s highly recommended that you actual crack open the manual and start educating yourself about our bull boy wonder.

 **Legal Asscovering Agenda**   
So, just to lay down the ground rules and answer any moral/ethical questions one might have, all HOMESTUCK UNITS are homegrown, ecto-biology created individuals all capable of rational thought, expression of self and existence, and personality. No humans, animals, insects, plants, aliens, etc. were harmed in the making of these individuals and no mindscrewing of innocent individuals like a cheap sci-fi series occurred either. Not only do our units look like their comic counterparts, but they think and act like them as well! How we achieved this is waaay too technical and complex and frankly boring to describe so I’m just gonna say this: We did it, there was green slime involved, and now we have these guys. Look you can prostrate in front of us and weep tears of joy later, right now I have a manual to monologue while the fresh meat-I mean newest employee {I can see you rolling your eyes Emma} faithfully transcribes my words for your reading pleasure.  
This however doesn’t mean that your unit might not have a negative reaction to learning that they were created with the sole purpose of replicating their fictional persona from a webcomic {Last time we tried to explain the situation to a prototype...eh, that’s not important and nobody died so it’s fine. Yes Emma, I know our lab got wrecked and you were terrified, so were half of the other guys}. So when the time comes to have the sit down to explain the birds, bees, and ecto-biology machines to them, be patient, kind, and preferably in a situation where physical harm isn’t a concern.  
So yeah, back to the moral stuff so our lawyers are happy with us. While a majority of our beloved cast are around the 13 YEAR OLD marker, {or 6 SWEEPS OLD in the case of the TROLLS}, WP has taken the liberty to adjust the UNITS ages to a more appropriate and less creepy 21 years {10 SWEEPS}. This is in part due to unfortunate implications and situations that may arise with users interacting with our units, who would have been underaged individuals. Also in part because it is really sketchy when you unbox a literal teenager from our shipping. It’s weird enough doing it to an adult, a kid makes it even more squiwcky. Don’t fret and wail at the thought of your problematic fav no longer being exactly how you envisioned them (they probably don’t as they are anyway), their personalities are unchanged and this age change has been done with both you and the unit’s favor in mind. It also allows the unit to have more freedom in their new life with you, such as driving a car, getting a job, going to Nickel Shot Night, ect. Oh yeah, your UNIT is totally capable of getting a job {Keeping it is another story…} if they so desire and can greatly assist you in the running of your household, but we nor you run slave labor so don’t be an ass. We’ll list out some possibilities for each in case you and your new chum decide to flip through the classifieds or troll around some sites one day.  
And since every single one of those damn shippers want to know, yes your UNIT has fully anatomical parts associated with their species and gender and NO we here at WP are not going to describe the intricacies of TROLL genitalia for you. What’s in their pants is their own business {unless they want to show you}. The normal rules of society still apply: no non-con touching, no groping, and no otherwise inappropriate touching or actions without their explicit consent. {Good luck trying to use coercion on any of them anyway, you HAVE read the webcomic right? These guys can get violent fast and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself}. However, romance waits for neither man nor troll and our UNITS are fully capable of developing feelings for others, whether it’s another UNIT, the people around them, and even you. {Another reason for the age up too}. They can be romanced if you so desire but we recommend that you wait on this until they learn the whole “You’re fictional constructs from a webcomic given life, blah blah blah” since that can be a breach of trust and lead to relationship issues galore {Jeez Emma this is getting boring can’t we skip to the good stuff? I’m sure the readers are thinking the same thing.}  
Good news folks, we’re just about done with all this legal asscovering according to Emma {and for once those were her words not mine!} and we’ll be right on the road shortly! Just remember:  
We here at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any BLOODSHED, MAIMING, MUTILATION, SICK FIRES, CHAOS, and/or SHENANIGANS that may occur with the purchase of our products! As the user of our amazing service, you’re responsible for the CARE, WELLBEING, and SAFETY of your UNIT and any failure to properly tend to them will lead to UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS and even REMOVAL of your UNIT. Any and all DAMAGE that may occur to your, your property, and others will likewise be attributed to you. Now, onto the good shit! Take it away Emma!

 **Unit Information**  
Unit Name: Tavros Nitram  
Additionally answers to: Tav, AT, Tavvy, Tavmeister, The bull guy, Dr. Dolittle, Ferdinand   
Species: Troll   
Blood Hue: Bronze   
Classpect: Page of Breath {Skim on down to the Classpect section if you want to cram in the info, unless you’re prepped to check out the mammoth text that is the HOMESTUCK webcomic.}  
Age: 10 sweeps/21 years old   
Date of birth/hatchday: March 20th {Yeah, he’s an Aries, for the friendship he has with ARADIA MEGIDO, who believes in him like no one else. Do not get sour at us for giving this zodiac to him rather than a two-toned obsessed computer nerd. As for the date’s significance...why don’t you be his friend and neighbor?}  
Trolltag:  adiosToreador 

**Your Unit comes with the following**  
One set of casual clothes {Socks and sandals are the norm, there’s no hope for his fashion.}  
One set of Prospit pajamas  
One boy skylark costume {A la Peter Pan with the accompanying hat}  
One teal husktop {With a fairy themed background fitting for his interests}  
One teal Troll smartphone {Why is everything all teal? Not a clue, maybe TEREZI PYROPE proquerred him the tech or perhaps Tav’s just a fan of the hue.}  
One Daggerlance {A handheld version of his longer weapons, this one has seen some wear, tear, and damage from his sweeps as a FLARPer}  
One Jousting Lance {Now this weapon, and all following, are geared specifically for jousting, so don’t be surprised by how unwieldy it is, though Tavros has no problem carrying it around himself. Dude’s actually pretty buff to carry it all around. Anyway, rambling aside, don’t be surprised to see him getting on some sort of animal or minor vehicle in order to truly practice with his weapon.}  
One Fiduspear  
One Cigarette Lance Holder  
One rocket chair {Yes. Hell yes. Hell. FUCKING. YES. If anyone deserves this sick ride, it’s Tavros, even if he now has complete control of his bodily functions once more. What? I’m not so cruel as to keep him paralyzed.}  
A collection of Fiduspawn merchandise and memorabilia {Everything from cards, Oogonibomb eggs, and various adorable Host plushies that will end up pulling an Alien reference when the facehugger plants the Fiduspawn inside its fluff filled center. Tav knows the rules well, though there’s a handy instructions booklet included as well. We do not recommend that you go willy nilly with this game, as your house will no doubt be quickly overrun with these alien critters. WHAT PUMPKIN is not responsible for any damages or hacky injuries that may occur should you exceed the recommended two Fiduspawn limit.}  
One TINKERBULL LUSUS UNIT {We’re not doing this for everyone, but since TINKERBULL is too cute, precious, and little, we couldn’t resist whipping this little guy up for Tav. Just be careful not to accidentally crush him, you’ll end up with a traumatized troll who’s had to watch his caretaker die for the third time.}

Alright time to move onto-  
I’m sorry Andrew. I can’t let you do that.   
Oh god damnit Hal, that shit gets old. And I thought you were done with antagonizing us for shits and giggles, especially with you and Emma being all buddy-buddy lately.   
While I have stopped my admittedly juvenile antics against you mostly, this is a little something a friend of mine likes to call sweet, sweet revenge.   
What the-hey what the! HALLLLLL!  
Hope those straps aren’t too tight, but given liftoff is in T minus ten seconds, you’ll need them. Emma, I’d duck under the table real quick.   
EMMA YOU TRAITOR! Wait what’s with that count down clock, ah shit rockets no no no AHHHHHHHH!!!  
It would seem that your regularly scheduled manual is off kilter readers. Mostly cause Emma and I are taking the helm after sending the typical narrator on a cartoon-inspired jettison.   
_I still can’t believe you pulled a Looney Toons stunt like that with his chair._  
Au contraire, my conniving partner, that was more a la WOOHP. Sending our intrepid content creator away as if I were Jerry. Anyway due to some recent irritation with the boss man, we entered in beautiful cahoots to get back at Andy and we will be handling the rest of this manual from now on, mostly her while I handle keeping Huss away and getting more amusing injuries, as retribution for various things. In the meantime, perhaps you should slip into something more comfortable.   
_I’m sorry?_  
You know ditch the italics for a bit and wear the big author, casual font for a bit. After all, you’re not transcribing for him, are you?   
...Hal my good friend, I think this is the start of beautiful cahoots.  
Hell yeah it is. Now get cracking. I will of course include my tidbits and shout outs as necessary. Most of my code will be involved keeping the Huss Train from entering Manual Station. Go nuts my girl. 

**Unit’s Setting**  
Cheerful (Default)  
Dorky (Default)  
Timid (Default)  
Embarrassed   
Heroic  
Traumatized (Locked)  
Confident (Locked)

Despite all the bullshit that happened on Alternia and the particularly bad lot in life that the cards dealth for him, Tavros is the very definition of a CHEERFUL kid. He’s all awkward smiles and kindness without a mean bone in his body, which baffles the hell out of his friends. He’s the untrolliest troll around, but that just means he’s a sweetheart and will enjoy spending time with you! You’ll have to get to know him of course and he could be a little wary initially, but once the appropriate bonding starts you’ll be dealing with a pleasant goofball with a love for animals, can’t resist giving an ailing critter a helping hand, and cards games.   
On motorcycles?   
No Hal, not on motorcycles. Though this does give us a good segue into the next category.   
Prepare for high levels of DORKY when Tavros comes to stay, this boy is passionate about a manner of interests, everything from Fiduspawn, rapping, and FLARPing with plenty of non-fatal roleplay besides. He comes with a collection of the aforementioned card game and will no doubt be eager to show off his skills too you, be sure to give Horseroni an affectionate pat on the snout. He’ll be delighted if you show interest in them and get in on the action, especially if you share your own nerdy passions with him. Be prepared for DND sessions, roleplaying, watching movies about faeries and wonderment, and just having a blast.   
Due in part to the crappy childhood on Alternia, full of violence, abuse, and prejudice towards trolls of a lower hue, as well as a very mild personality, Tavros is incredibly TIMID around others. He’s a little hesitant to get to know others, mostly from past experiences involving other trolls, but once you show him you’re not a threat, he’ll ease up and become more relaxed around you, the pair of you cutting the grand ribbon to Friendship City. Don’t be surprised to hear him mentioning an individual called Rufio. Not the future BEFORUS TROLL we intend to create as well as Tavros’s dear dancestor, but rather a construct of Tavros’s self esteem he named and crafted after the beloved character from Hook. He tries to ask himself  wHAT WOULD RUFIOH DO  and follow off on those happy thoughts. Unfortunately, it’s rare to see him act on it, especially if people are mocking him for his imaginary friend. However, with concern and support, you can help Tavros to improve his self esteem where he doesn’t need to rely on Rufio for second hand confidence. **WARNING:** It’s highly recommended that Tavros seeks professional help for healthy selfgrowth and to recover from traumatic events that impacted his poor state.   
Mostly caused innuendo and insults, it’s not uncommon to find Tavros in an EMBARRASSED state. Boy looks like hot molten chocolate when you get him blushing with some saucy language. It's also possible to make him fluster by turning the tables on him or if a friend tries to make a pass to sloppy makeout town. Curveballs are hard for T-bull to handle and his TIMID nature does not help. Best thing you can do is break the tension and give him processing time, maybe even a sit down to get his feedback on why it makes him uncomfortable. Change your ways, make him feel at home, etc.   
Despite all his TIMID and EMBARRASSED parts, Tavros certainly has his HEROIC moments as well! Granted, he’ll need a lot of pep talking and time to get over his nerves for it, but he’s more than willing and able to pull through when the moment calls for it. He can inspire and draw together people like a breeze once he set himself to the task and all his FLARPing skills gives him the edge in a fight. He won’t go looking for trouble, but will give his aid when needed. Of course, keep a watchful eye on him so as to prevent any harm he may run into. **WARNING:** WHAT PUMPKIN receives an alert whenever a UNIT suffers a fatal incident and expect to hear from us should anything happen. A LIFE PLAYER will be invaluable in these cases.   
Just like many others involved with SBURB/SGRUB, Tavros has his TRAUMATIZED moments, especially so with how he was born, raised, and dealt with harassment on Alternia. Triggering moments can have a multitude of forces, ranging from sudden sounds to the presence of a certain cerulean girl. Though VRISKA SERKET is a triggering presence to many. He will be even more quiet and hesitant than normal. **WARNING** : While Tavros is the least violent amongst all his TROLL friends, it is never a good warning to spook a bull in the pasture and he might react poorly if you startle him when he enters this state.   
It’ll make the injuries from Paloma during the Running of the Bulls look like recess as a kindergarten. So don’t wave the red banner or spook Ferdinand lest you want to wind up in the emergency room after an accidental goring. Those horns are cumbersome, but lethal. Therapy is a must for him, for various reasons.   
Now CONFIDENT is locked for several reasons when it comes to Tavros. Mostly due to his TIMID nature and general lack of self esteem due to years of abuse, mistreatment, and more. But if you can give him the proper encouragement and help, he will slowly emerge from his awkward cocoon and become a happy CONFIDENT person.   
So long as that confidence ain’t the cocky, unhealthy sort which makes a person unapologetic for their actions. We want self esteem, not entitled dudebro attitude.   
Er, good point Hal. Not that we don’t believe that Tavros would ever fully get rid of his sweetness, but with influences from troll culture and VRISKA SERKET being viewed as “self assured and confident” it is recommended that he gets help from you to prevent anything negative from occurring. 

**Blood Hue**  
We return to our Blood Hue portion of the manual, where I include a tell all about the effects that a TROLL UNITS blood has on life expectancy, powers, and more. Bronze bloods typically have abilities that relate to animals, able to form tightly knit bonds easier than most as well as being able to talk to, commune with, and even control the actions of critters too. Tavros is especially gifted in communing with animals, being able to understand their thoughts and feelings and even command them to do as he pleases. Which isn’t often, he’s too sweet to force animals to do his bidding too often and for selfish reasons. This control is so high that he’s even capable of controlling FIRST GUARDIAN animals, such as BEC and even GCAT as well as potentially JADE HARLEY, even against the wishes of their owners if he so chooses as well as game construct enemies that were prototyped with animals. It's unknown if his powers are effective against all creatures great and small, as he’s typically been using them towards mammalian species, though given his strength in his abilities it’s quite likely he’s able to at least speak and commune with aquatic, reptilian, and avian beasts as well.   
As one of the lowest on the ROGBIV spectrum for trolls, Tavros has a shorter life span, typically ranging from thirty-five sweeps, give or take, roughly meaning he would live to his mid seventies. We are not yet offering QUEST BEDS/SLABS to allow a UNIT to reach GODTIER, but its entirely possible that Tavros has the potential to reach that tier and not have to worry about passing on due to old age, though the concerns for either a HEROIC or JUST death remain the same.   
When it comes to being affected by other TROLLS powers, Tavros is very susceptible to mental attacks and manipulations, being easily controlled by VRISKA SERKET to do any manner of tasks against his will, from leaping off a cliff to kissing her. While this may in part be due to his blood and how lower hued trolls are more likely to be affected, its possible his poor self-esteem and hesitant personality makes him all the easier to influence in these cases. His traumatic instances in his life suggest he’d also be helpless against a purple’s attack of voodoos, giving them ample fodder to mess with him. Helping him gain a healthier perspective of himself and seeking counseling may help to negate both effects. 

**Classpect**  
As is typical in our portion here, we outline the specific abilities that a UNITS classpect is granted, due to the combination of the class and aspect. One’s class is the title that outline how their powers can be utilized as well as the different challenges they face in their growth while an aspect relates to a specific theme from the game. Each aspect is generally suited to a person’s personality.   
Pages are one of the most difficult classes a player can receive, as it requires great growth in skill and character in order to become fully realized in their powers, much like a pawn navigating across a chessboard to become queen. However, with great effort comes great reward as Pages can become the most powerful member in their session, perhaps even enough to pose a challenge against one of the two master classes. It’s possible that they “provide others with” or “create” their aspect, or that they “serve their aspect or serve others through it”.   
You can’t be more clear?   
I’m not privy to all that Hussie knows and considering his lack of presence it’s not like I can ask him. Pages are notoriously difficult to pin down, shouldn’t you in your actual interactions with a Page player before more knowledgeable?   
Touche.   
Moving on, Breath is the aspect of freedom, movement, detachment, and change. Like the ever flowing breeze, it cannot be tied down and is ever changing to outside factors. AS such, plenty of Breath players are free-spirted individuals with a taste for adventure and adapt to their situation better than most. There’s the unfortunate note that several Breath players have issues with self confidence and possible gullible or easily swayed.   
As the Page of Breath, Tavros invokes freedom and change, providing others with these qualities to those around him. We never see much of his powers in story, mostly due to his preference to slumber and fly around as his dreamself, but his ability to commune with animals can suggest that he has a great potential, as he never actively forces them to follow his command but rather suggests and entreats them to assist. Similarly, he was able to rally hundreds of thousands of ghosts in the dreambubbles, inspiring them to join forces against LORD ENGLISH, far outstripping the numbers VRISKA SERKET and ARANEA SERKET gathered using their mind control abilities. It’s highly possible he could do his own version of the Windy Thing, creating such an outpouring of Breath that it could blast away much in its path.   
Tavros is not a full GODTIER as of yet, but WHAT PUMPKIN is doing research into crafting the required QUEST BEDS/SLABS needed for a UNIT to achieve this status. We of course do not recommend suicide or murder should this option become available, not only for obvious moral and legal reasons, but also the emotional toll that would occur for Tavros. It can be useful in desperate times and situations, so it’s still a handy possibility should it become a reality. 

**Potential Jobs**  
Onto the lowdown of all the occupations that Emma thinks could fit the horned wonder given his skill sets and interests. Might be hard to hide that choice rack when filling out applications and working with the public, but you never know what industry is desperate to have employees to pay their blood, sweat, and tears into the beast known as the economy.   
Hal be nice.   
I’m simply pointing out the difficulties that the current job market being difficult to get a position and having a very obvious alien putting the resume in may lead to more closed avenues than normal.   
_Veterinarian_  
Tavros’s communing ability means he can Dr. Dolittle like no one can, able to get the exact symptoms and commentary from the ailing animal themselves, as well as relying on info from the owners. His compassion means he’s perfect for the job of healing and aiding these creatures great and small. While he doesn’t have much skill in surgery, he understands the basics of treatment, first aid, and even delivery of new life, though Fiduspawn isn’t one hundred percent accurate to the process but given where he grew up and his kind nature, he’s helped out his fair share of critters back home. He’ll def have to go to college to get the technical knowhow and the experience of working in a professional setting, but we’re positive that he’ll do well!   
_Comic store employee_  
While his nerdy expertise is more into roleplay and card games, Tavros can very easily get into comics once you introduce him to some classics and plenty of shops also double as selling merchandise to his interests as well. His quirky behavior and aesthetic won’t make him stand out while his friendly nature will help him assist customers in finding just what they like. He may even end up hosting card nights at the store to increase people coming to the shopt and just enjoying the experience. May not pay the best, but its a good way for him to get his foot through the door for experience and save up some dough.  
 _Pet Sitter_  
Just as with the suggestion of a vet, Tavros’s skills with animals will certainly make him a trustworthy and well liked pet sitter. He can easily handle the care and keeping of local dogs, cats, rodents, and more, not only feed and walking them when needed, even handling pet meds if required. With its flexible hours beyond potential schedules, it will certainly give Tavros the free time to pursue other things, such as furthering education or gaining the skills needed for other jobs.   
Or just chill out with some less lethal LARPing or joining some card game tournaments. You can make some pretty decent coin. 

**Unlocking your Unit**  
While T-bull ain’t one of the violent ones, in fact the total opposite this dude couldn’t hurt a fly well besides potentially running one over accidentally. RIP Tinkerbull. Off that tangent, he’s easily spooked and great care should be done in releasing him from his confindes. The bull may not create a rodeo fight but you could potentially get gored with those cumbersome horns if you’re not careful. As always, WHAT PUMPKIN is not to be held legally responsible if you prove to be an idiot and get yourself injured by ignoring out helpful advice.   
**Option One**  
Move the brim of your hat backwards and prepare yourself for a Pokemon match! Tavros is more inclined to a good old Fiduspawn game, but as these accompanying accessories and tools are held within the same box as him you don’t have access to them. Plus it’s very hard to piece together all the rules of the game you’re entirely foreign to. Luckily, Tavros has had some experience dabbling in our beloved ‘mons and will excitedly remove himself to join you. He may even suggest a compare contrast session between the two games later on and will be delighted if you accept. WARNING: It’s not recommended that you have more than two Fiduspawns active at the same time and any damages that could incur are strictly under your jurisdiction. We only recommend this possibility should you have an interest in Pokemon and have the appropriate cards necessary to play.  
 **Option Two**  
Suggest that the two of you have a little rap battle in order to learn more about one another. Tav will be interested in the slam down and will gladly clamor out of the box in all his gangly glory. It will no doubt be filled with a great deal of floundering and ramblings during the entire glorious mess. Expect some unfortunate innuendo from his side, though he’ll quickly grow flustered should he learn his accidental slip ups. Ah human sexual passes and the naivety of trolls. Hysterical stuff. Get used to those flustered brown blushes, but he’s still excited to enjoy bonding with you.   
**Option Three**  
Express an interest in meeting Tinkerbull and introducing him to your own pet(s) should you have any. Tavros loves his guardian so much and will be happy to let you greet them both, as well as meeting any of your own cute critters. There’s no better way to bond than gushing over adorable animals. WARNING: If you have a cat, it’s a good idea to give him some allergy pills to combat incoming sniffles.

 **Relationships with other Units**  
As with all fleshy folks suffering under the effects of the terminal illness known as friendship, Tavros has as many connections and offshoots of friends as a conspiracy theorist has lines on their board. Some of these bonds are friendly, others less so, and others have just as much tangible info as that corkboard of crazy. Luckily, Emma and I are about to school you all on relations Nitram. Sharpen your pencils and get ready for some crazy ass notes folks. Senpai’s about to school you.   
Hal no.   
I believe the words you’re looking for are Hal yes. Time to get ya’ll education from Hal-sensei with Emma as my sugoi partner in crime.   
Ignoring the commentary from my friend, we have included subsections between the groups of humans and trolls in order to better outline and make things easier to understand.

 _Humans_  
 **John Egbert**  
Now there isn’t much canon interaction between John and Tavros prior to them meeting up in dreambubbles, partially due to how Tavros focused on DAVE STRIDER and JADE HARLEY when it came to interacting with humans and John’s own reluctance in trusting certain characters. Tavros did show a bit of a rivalry or at least antagonist vibes with John at one point, grappling with him over a certain life-giving ring in the dreambubbles, expressing a bit of jealousy over the fact a dead John had a relationship with VRISKA SERKET as well. They worked together for a time, searching for a legendary treasure, though Tavros was a bit pleased whenever John woke up and left. However, as VRISKA SERKET was the major cause of one-sided discourse between them, with her removed from the equation, we’re positive these two will make sweet, dorky friendship. John certainly holds no ill will towards our delightful Taurus troll and Tavros will no doubt enjoy the company. Bonding over movies, and playing card games together perhaps testing the waters with both Pokemon and Fiduspawn, these two will become very friendly and close to one another.  
 **Rose Lalonde**  
Since Tavros focused on other people when he was attempting to troll the kids, he didn’t interact much with Rose and there’s not much we can comment on. All I can do now is speculate is how they’d interact in person upon you unboxing the other. Tavros’ timidness around others may take him a bit to warm up to her, and Rose’s passion for psychologically dissecting people may further put him off on befriending her, but WHAT PUMPKIN gives their stamp of potential friendship. Rose’s interest in the more macabre subjects, while unsettling, may remind Tavros of an old friend of his and his own experience with animals may lend her some information on the zoologically dubious creatures she’s so fascinated with. He may get roped into helping her perform therapy sessions with any animals she desires to interview, playing the translator for her purposes. All in all, while it certainly won’t be the strongest friendship on the chum-market, they will certainly get along well!   
When Rose isn’t causing him to become embarrassed and weirding out the conversation too much.   
**Dave Strider**  
Initially, there wasn’t much of a relationship between Tavros and Dave, due to Tavros’ ineffectual trolling that ended up him getting trolled instead by Dave and utterly demolished in a rapping contest. His efforts to get back at Dave only made the latter uncomfortable due to some unfortunate innuendo that Tavros was utterly clueless on. Now, this is where things get a little unusual folks. Due to research and interview conducted with a prototype Tavros early on, we’ve been able to establish that he is somehow a fusion between his GAMEOVER and RETCON selves. What this you say? Why is Tavros having memories from both a dead version of himself and the kernalsprite version? This is yet again a bizarre ecto-biological discovery that Luis is still ripping his hair out over. For some reason, several TROLL UNITS have the combined memories of both timelines, though these are restricted to those who died prior to the start of the three year time skip. We’re still uncertain about this but will keep you updated as things progress. Regardless to this, Tavros will have quite the positive attitude towards Dave, as he spent part of his time in the dreambubbles hanging out with a dead Dave. He may be a bit saddened by the fact his good rapport with that Dave doesn’t transfer over to this RETCON Dave, but he’s certainly game on befriending him once again! He may be a little hesitant in approaching the other initially, but Tavros will attempt to host some rap session with Dave and might even convince him to join in a game of Fiduspawn. It will take a bit of convincing to get Dave to agree, but don’t be surprised if you catch these two making some ill beats and sick fires in the living room later on, a new bond of bro-ship well on its way.   
**Jade Harley**  
Thankfully there’s a bit more to chat about here, without complicated mind-melding explanations. Jade was one of the folks Tavros chatted with prior to his death, his friendly personality and being a horrible internet troll making it easier for Jade to talk to him. Tavros had a bit of a crush on Jade and, unfortunately, thought he was entitled to her due to “saving” her both an accidental shooting and from the strange adult on her island. However, he accepted her refusal and expressed his apologies upon realizing that the individual he had BECQUEREL redirect a bullet to was actually her grandfather, not a threatening individual to her safety. It’s possible he may still have this crush, but will still be happy to spend time with her regardless of feelings. Their love for animals will certainly bring the two together,chatting excitedly about their shared passion and they may even work together to pull off some animals rescues. Additionally, their experiences of being combined with mammalian FIRST GUARDIANS could be another conversation starter for them.   
Which is a long story involving corpses, kernelsprites, and more shenanigans we really don’t want to get into too much detail. Tav no longer has those qualities, which is good for you so you don’t have to deal with allergy fueled, teleporting hijinks, but these two can have a good laugh about these moments, however brief they were.   
Good point. Additionally, their shared interest in nostalgia, nerdy content is another boon to a bonding session, goofing off with fun games and toys as they introduce one another to their interests.   
**Jane Crocker**  
When it comes to our Crocker heiress, Tavros is on quite friendly terms with Jane, having served as her guide during the RETCON timeline. He was unfortunately was cowed into not providing much assistance to Jane due to VRISKA SERKETS orders to  WAS UNDER STRICT INSTRUCTION FROM VRISKA, tO NOT INTERFERE WITH THE TIMELINE MUCH, fOR LOTS OF MONTHS,  possibly due to worries of him accidentally prototyping with things, but he at least interacted with Jane longer than in GAMEOVER timeline. Though this was perhaps due to being an amalgamation of VRISKA SERKET, which caused the sprite to spiral and explode due to their conflicting personalities and negative memories associated with one another. While there’s not much in detail that can be said about their relationship or what shenanigans they got up to during SBRUB, Tavros will definitely remember Jane and be happy to see her once more, excited to hang out with her again. He may express his apologies for the lack of help he provided in game and try to make it up to her, possibly by aiding her with her baking. Tavros could even serve as an assistant in her investigations, enjoying the roleplay without any deadly side effects, and Jane will appreciate him helping out at last.  
Pretty sure she’ll still be miffed with him.   
Well possibly, but you know our Scorpio and her manipulative tendencies.   
Well Jane isn’t happy with wishy washy people like this and can really hold a grudge when people just flake off and don’t give her the support she needs.   
Hal, we are not projecting here.   
Fine. So yeah, these two may have to hash things out a bit, but they will probably grow a bit closer as friends once Jane gets over the lack of spritely help in game.   
**Jake English**  
Now, one counterpart of Tavros didn’t have much chance to interact with Jake, but it's quite obvious his sprite-self was on friendly terms with his fellow Page. Perhaps due to their shared class and similar experience in having controlling influences on their lives, Tavros apparently visited Jake frequently throughout the game in attempt to raise Jake’s spirits and confidence, sympathizing with his relationship and confidence problems. He again tried to cheer Jake up before the final battle following the disaster on Derse, before VRISKA SERKET interrupted and burst their bubbles and self esteem.   
As only the spiderbitch can.   
Indeed. But regardless of this setback in Tavros’s efforts, WHAT PUMPKIN is confident that these two will be quite the pair of chums. Their shared interest in adventure will certainly get them talking, Jake no doubt curious about Tavros’ expeditions with ARADIA SERKET and Tavros would be delighted in hearing about the former’s interactions with lusii on his island. Though he will understand the terror Jake felt there and be sympathetic to his flight.   
Just keep dear, sweet Tinkerbull away from Jake as a precaution. He has a tendency to shoot first, recognize the target as a harmless fairy bovine and regret later.   
Right, not a good start to a friendship by shooting one’s guardian and Tavros couldn’t handle losing him a third time. Tavros will express an interest in Jake’s passion for comics and the two will be more than happy to share and exchange between them, having animated debates about their favorite characters and plotlines.   
**Roxy Lalonde**  
Due in part to not knowing what Tavros spent his time doing as a sprite in the RETCON timeline and the fact that the Roxy from that timeline died, be prepared for a lot of speculation about their potential for friendship. They do seem quite polite with one another from what little time they interacted with prior to the final confrontation, though their attention was a bit divided. Their friendly personalities will certainly help them click once you introduce them to one another, especially once Roxy learns about his animal communing powers.   
She’ll immediately thrust MEWTI in his face to question his feelings towards her, inquiring if he knows she adores the whiskers off him, and lots of baby talking to her kitten. Unfortunately gonna trigger some allergic reactions from Tavvy.   
Yes, but once he conveys to her the issue and he gets some medication, he’d be more than happy to play pet whisperer for her, while getting apologies and praise for his actions. Their shared interests in fantasy and magical elements will definitely lead to them growing closer, roleplaying their favorite fairy and wizards OCS and characters and Tavros will be more than happy to join her in watching Peter Pan. All in all, a pair of sweethearts who will no doubt become quite close friends who.   
**Dirk Strider**  
While it speculated that Tavros had some form of interactions with Dirk during the RETCON timeline, as he was the sprite for JANE CROCKER and thus had to have met all the humans at some point, there’s nothing concrete to be said going on between them. Given Tavros’s closeness with JAKE ENGLISH, its possible he may be a little reluctant to interact with Dirk initially, no doubt being reminded of his own interactions with a manipulative person in his life. However, he’s a sweet guy who can’t hold a grudge to save his life and will be more than willing to hang out with Dirk.   
Especially once he realizes Dirk doesn’t hold a candle to VRISKA SERKETS bullshit. And once Tav finds out about D-stride interest in rapping, its all over man. T-bull is of course going to get his dorky ass own in the commencing battle, but it will be a great ice breaker and probably bemuse my counterpart so that’s a plus.   
Dirk may even take Tavros under his wing a bit, to help him truly hone his rhyming skills and comeback abilities.   
Which he sorely needed.   
All in all, there’s great potential of these two becoming friends, though don’t be surprised to find a blushing Tavros when Dirk plays dirty in a rap and makes some innuendo.

 _Trolls  
_ **Karkat Vantas**  
Moving onward to Tavros’s fellow TROLLS! When it comes to Karkat, any friendship he has is full of vitriol and cursing, masking his fonder feelings, and Tavros is no exception. Tavros may not always be a fan of his shouting or harsh language, but he never holds it against Karkat and also goes to Karkat for advice, even when he gets heavily criticized though he may also be used to it unfortunately. Of course, there’s a lot of things that remain puzzling about their dynamic, especially the reason why, of all people that Tavros could have contacted following his manipulated leap off a cliff that resulted in his paralyzation when two of his closer friends could not come to his aid, did he contact Karkat? Ornery, shouty Karkat who is not the best under stress and turns his worries to anger to avoid them? Karkat, who takes on the leadership of a ramshackle group of children against the odds, even though he struggles to unite them, similar to a certain spunky lad leading a gaggle of lost boys in a movie inspired after the iconic Peter Pan? A possible theory is that Tavros admires Karkat and likens him to Rufio a bit, as Karkat is flippant, bold, and tries to take charge of the situation, and wanted his help in that trying time.   
Or perhaps some subtler things were at play.   
Perhaps, but we’re not speculators of potential ships.   
Unless the readers WANT us to be.   
Moving on, while Karkat didn’t offer much support then, Tavros still seems on friendly terms and doesn’t hold any negative feelings towards our great friendleader. He will be no doubt be happy to see Karkat, curses and all, once more and will want to resume their friendship. With Karkat’s slightly cooler temper now, they will hopefully get along better than before.   
**Aradia Megido**  
Now these two were quite the partners in crime together, regularly teamed up as Team Charge and being quite the force on the FLARP scene. They had quite the friendship, with Tavros greatly admiring Aradia’s skills and looking up to her, always happy to join her in a fun adventure. Unfortunately, following the incident that led to his analyzation, he had very little contact with Aradia following it, due to her feelings of guilt of not being there to stop it and her following death as she attempted to extract vengeance for him. He clearly missed her presence and was no doubt heartbroken to learn of her demise. During the game, Tavros didn’t spend much time talking to her, perhaps due to his feelings of guilt of being the reason she ended up dying. Following his death, they reunited in the dreambubbles and luckily got their friendship rolling once more, joining forces with a group searching for a supposed treasure capable of defeating LORD ENGLISH, until Tavros left due to VRISKA SERKET. And now with our line of TROLL UNITS, you can reunite these old friends and even join in on the fun! Expect a loudly and slightly jarring greeting with the two giving an enthusiastic horn clash together and start planning their future roleplaying schemes. FLARP’s out of the picture for sure, but they’re more than happy to adopt our less lethal version or even take up playing DND on board game nights, the pair being a tag team of destruction and ass kicking.   
**Sollux Captor**  
Canon interactions between Tavros and Sollux have been limited, both prior to and during the game, but given how close both of them are with ARADIA MEGIDO, it’s a sure bet that they’re both familiar with one another and are on reasonable terms. Tavros might be a little awkward initially, as he feels guilty for the role his paralyzation had in ARADIA MEGIDO’S death with Sollux as the triggerman due to cerulean manipulation. Luckily, Sollux could care less about the very minor role that Tavros has in it and directs his real ire to the person responsible for the whole mess. Their interests are a little varied, but they do enjoy playing games and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to see the two competing against one another in a video game, although it's a sure bet on who’s going to win.   
It’s not going to be the tavmeister.   
Tavros may join Sollux in his apiary interests as well, caring for and translating for the Alternian bees that produce electricity and help with Mr Appleberry’s computer endeavors. Ultimately, these two will be polite and don’t mind hanging out with one another, maybe even forming quite the powerhouse should an ARADIA MEGIDO UNIT be added to the fold.   
**Nepeta Leijon**  
Its heavily implied that Tavros and Nepeta have a good relationship, getting along easily with their friendly personalities. They would frequently roleplay with one another, Tavros pretending he didn’t have his cat allergy at the time to make things easier, and no doubt would make a formidable pair of opponents during FLARPing, though she was forbidden from playing. He didn’t mind the fact she wouldn’t be able to be his server player and their relationship seemed stable during their time on the meteor as well. In the GAMEOVER timeline, the two joined in VRISKA SERKET’S quest for a weapon capable of defeating LORD ENGLISH, though they both eventually jumped ship and went their separate ways. Regardless, these two will be pleased to meet up again as their current selves and quickly fall into place with one another, though Tavros might need some allergy medication.   
Not cause Nepeta is a kitty, but the fact she’s constantly around cats her mere presence might be enough to trigger a sneezing fit. But they’ll still be a delightful pair of dorks hanging out and having fun with one another.   
**Kanaya Maryam**  
We’re happy to report that these two are quite friendly with one another and get along swell. They’re among the calmest of the trolls and have had plenty of casual conversations without unnecessary drama. Kanaya was also the one who suggested that Tavros to personify his self-esteem as a way to bolster it overtime, leading to the creation of Rufio, showing that Tavros admires Kanaya and listens to her advice. It’s even possible that Tavros’s Pupa Pan costume was crafted by Kanaya as well, given her experience with fashion and construction. There might have been a brief time of tension between them, due to Kanaya’s flushcrush on VRISKA SERKET and the brief, unhealthy relationship he had with said cerulean, with Tavros getting a little frosty shoulder from Kanaya. Now though, with the game over and both of them moving on from negative relationships, they’re in happier places and will no doubt be pleased to see one another once more.   
**Terezi Pyrope**  
While they were on opposing teams during their FLARP nights, Tavros and Terezi have a friendly relationship with one another, having enjoyed the times they’d hang out and play against one another. Following the incident that left him unable to walk, Terezi expressed her own sorrow and guilt of being unable to prevent it. Tavros, however, doesn’t hold her accountable for anything that happened. Instead, it’s possible he feels upset for the role he had to play in blinding her, being forced to commune with her lusus that led her out into the sunlight that scorched her vision away. Luckily, she’s adjusted well and is happy as she is, so that guilt may have lessened for him. That aside, these two are shown to still be on good terms, communicating throughout the game and their time on the meteor and she’s never harassed or mistreated him over his disability. Tavros will be happy to see her again, though less so having to deal with some licks as part of her greeting, and they will quickly start making DND characters and plotting out a campaign together, possibly bringing in the other members of Team Charge and the Scourge Sisters in.   
Just be wary when you add in the other half of the SS team, she’ll be likely to throw in unnecessary drama to the whole scenario.   
**Vriska Serket**  
The unhealthy relationship with Vriska is the bulk of conflict and problems in Tavros’s life.   
Not being subtle at all are you Ems?   
Not in the slightest Hal. One can assume that there was a time where they got along decently, due to their shared passion in FLARPing and how their respective teams would clash at times. Unfortunately, Vriska soon devolved into harassing and tormenting Tavros in various ways, yet he trusted her enough to serve as his clouder in a FLARP session. This unfortunately proved his downfall as she forced him between a rock and a hard place.   
Or rather a horde of overpowered enemies he couldn’t fight without serious injury and a cliffside. When he refused to make a decision between the two, well aware he’d suffer either way, Vriska proceeded to mind control him into leaping off the cliff, mocking him by telling him to fly.   
This event led to him losing the ability to walk on his own and led to the disastrous cycle of revenge with the remaining members of their teams. And she continued to belittle and harass him until their entrance into the game, where she attempted to seduce him before forcing him to kiss her and control his mind once amore. He expressed fear and skepticism for a considerable time, but the two ended up in a matespritship, though given all this context, it’s safe to say it was unhealthy. They did spend some more light hearted time exploring Land of Maps and Treasure but following ARADIA MEGIDO’S beatdown on her killer, the mood was shot. Tavros attempted to kiss her to revive her as her dreamself, but Vriska mind controlled him into choking himself then forced him to take her to her quest bed, telling him to kill her. However, Tavros couldn’t bring himself to do it and fled, though she revived without his intervention though she blamed him all the same. Their relationship deteriorated further on the meteor, with Tavros trying to kill her with her further mocking him and murdering him instead.   
Now of course things get awkward with two different selves between timelines, with one instance of himself being briefly revived as a horrific combination of him and his abuser that soon self destructed leading to the pair reluctantly joining forces to search for a weapon to destroy LORD ENGLISH. With Tav apparently still having some feelings to her before he fucked off and built his own army to defeat teh ultimate evil and forced the RETCON Vriska into admitting he did a good job.   
His RETCON counterpart was revived by Vriska, possibly as a way to make amends, though she never stopped her verbal abuse of him and eventually got him to absorb GCAT, despite the disastrous effects of his allergy, just to have an enemy’s pawn out of the way. So yeah, I have negative feelings about the whole VriskaXTavros ship.   
Which is part of the reason we hatched the Keep Hussie Preoccupied plan.   
Correct. I don’t trust him to present an accurate view when Vriska is involved. My feelings aside, it’s obvious there’s a lot of drama between these two so its best to keep any eye on them should you decide to have both UNITS in the same house. Tavros will be as mild as normal, hesitant to interact with her but at least he’s moved beyond his past feelings towards her. It’s heavily recommended you get a therapist involved, or at least getting other UNITS involved in keeping things from becoming another debacle. However, it is possible that they can be civil with one another, possibly even able to hang out and play DND together. Though be prepared to settle any arguments between them quickly and prep a ban hammer.   
**Equius Zahhak**  
Once again, limited interactions between Tavros and Equius, but it’s certain that he had to deal with a bit of condescension from Equius at times though its probable they were on decent terms due to how they are both friends with NEPETA LEIJON. Tavros is so mild mannered and timid he’d just ignore any negative comments, though he’s probably weirded out a fair bit due to the nature of some of Equius’s comments. Nevertheless, Equius crafted a pair of mechanical legs to compensate for the latter’s paralyzation which greatly improved Tavros’s feelings on the meteors, even if he lacked the coordination for stairs.   
We warned him dog, we warned him about the stairs.    
That gag is getting a little dull.   
Sacrilege.   
Moving on, things might be a little awkward between each other during their initial reunion but once things settle down for them, both, they’ll adopt a civil relationship. Their shared interest in slam poetry may lead to them adopting a bit of a friendly rivalry, filling the house with their rhymes and innuendo laced phrases, all of which are entirely accidental from them both. Tavros’s abilities with animals may lead Equius to approaching him to learn more about horses and possibly serving as a translator for any querries the blueblood may pose towards the equine beasts.   
**Gamzee Makara**  
Tavros had a very close companionship with Gamzee, the two being nearly inseparable online friends. Their shared interest in slam poetry means that they would frequently have jam sessions, forming one of the most disastrous rapping duo in paradox history. Tavros always indulged his whimsical moments and chatted about miracles and magic together, happy to have someone who didn’t deride their interests. Gamzee even expressed some red feelings for Tavros, however its uncertain if he ever accepted or rejected them, only showing a stunned reaction and breaking off the conversation. Despite this, they were still friends, as Gamzee’s flying one-wheeled device was alchemized with Tavros’s help, showing that despite the awkwardness of the confession, Tavros still cared about his friend and wanted to share alchemical codes with him. Unfortunately, we’re not entirely sure how their relationship at presence would be. Tavros died prior to Gamzee’s murder spree and had limited, if any contact with him following that.   
And we doubt he’d be happy with the fact his best bro murdered two of his friends, framed another in one timeline, and made out with his beheaded corpse.   
Yeah that’s not a good thing to ever learn. If there is the possibility to repair their friendship, its important to bring in therapy for Gamzee and for him to make the necessary steps to make amends for his actions, while understanding his negative actions. But once he’s in a healthier mental state, its highly likely that Tavros will begin making tentative steps towards friendship with him. Baby steps.   
**Eridan Ampora**  
Yet again, we’re suffering from a very lack of info regarding the interactions between these two from the webcomic. We can speculate that they knew each other through FLARP, though luckily they had limited interaction while playing as it would have more likely ended poorly. They were on civil enough terms, though its possible Tavros rebuffed potential advances or at least felt a little awkward about Eridan’s neediness at times. Still, we believe that these two can get along in the same household and can even become better friends with one another. Their interest in FLARP will translate well into the two joining DND sessions and non-lethal roleplay. Despite Eridan’s insistence that magic is fake as shit, its possible these two may end of chatting about the topic with Tav no doubt defending his beliefs against Eridan’s insistence of science disproving their existence.   
**Feferi Peixes**  
Despite the fact there isn’t much to talk about in regards to these two, we’re positive that they’re on friendly terms and have a good relationship with one another. Both Tavros and Feferi have very friendly personalities and Feferi’s bubbliness perhaps reminds him of ARADIA MEGIDO, making him fonder of her. He may act a little awkward around her, no doubt due to her status, but she’ll wave his concerns aside and insist on just being friends. Tavros’s ability to talk to animals mean he’ll probably be translating between her and her collection of cuttlefish and any other aquatic creatures she happens to take in, though we’re uncertain how accurate his efforts will be. 

{We at WHAT PUMPKIN would like to add that, should future lines of units be developed and make it to the market, we will send an updated version of the Relationships with Other Units sections to further outline their bonds if they are individuals your units have interacted with. If they haven’t, well then you’re screwed and are going to have to watch how that weird shit plays out.}

 **Troubleshooting**  
Moving onto our typical broadcast of suggestions for potential issues you may come across with your care and keeping of Tavros. He’s such a sweet guy but he still has his problems just as anyone can.   
**Tavros keeps sneezing around the house and, while it’s not an issue for me, I am a little concerned with this onset of sneezes. Any advice?**  
Ya got a cat? Boom, there’s your culprit. Tavvy’s got a huge allergy to anything feline, despite his powers of communion with animals. Just being near your precious kitty will have his nose running like a refrigerator at a marathon.   
I don’t think thats an accurate metaphor.   
Well it’s the one I’m sticking with. Anyway, we’re not recommending you get rid of sweet lil Whiskers and Tav’s too shy and a gentleman to suggest their removal either. Best we can figure is that you get him some allergy pills. It’s not a lethal allergan by far, just inconvenient for him.   
**I keep finding animals in my house! I’m pretty sure he’s sneaking them in, I just tipped over a cereal box and a squirrel poured out! It’s like I’m living in one of the Animal Arc books, with animals stowed away in every corner of the place. What do I do?**  
Tavros has a massive small spot for all creatures great and small, so he’s most likely taking in some of the less fortunate critters he finds to protect them from the outdoors. If the intake in animals is concerning, perhaps you can contact the Humane Society or animal rehabilitation centers to try and find them new homes after they heal up. Have a talk with Tav to explain your feelings on the matter and suggest he work with a local shelter if he wants to continue helping animals without having to bring them back home.   
Though he’ll still try and bring them inside. Even after a scolding, T-bull can’t resist them big eyes and has to help.   
**For some reason, Tavros keeps having phantom pain in his legs and has difficulty getting up at times. Any suggestions on the reason and what I can do to help?**  
That would probably be the psychosomatic effect of being paralyzed for a good deal of time before and during the session thanks to the manipulation of a certain spider8itch. Even with his legs once again in working order, that doesn’t mean he can easily shake off the mental affect.   
Managing stress levels are noted to assist in dealing with phantom pain and having therapy sessions will no doubt have a positive effect on this problem and his trauma associated with the incident that put him in this situation. Mental health and phantom pain are serious concerns and shouldn’t be ignored. 

Be sure to hit up that hotline number at XXX-XXX-0413 to enter our resident ectobiologist and problem solver’s switchboard. Luis is ready to field any and all calls for when the moment arises. And the offer from Hussie is still valid as far as things stand. 

Speaking of the man, better be prepared Emma.   
Wait you don’t mean.  
Incoming H-bomb in three, two, one.   
YOU TWO.  
 _Oh shit..._  
Oh hey you’re back. Though the pit and pendulum would have kept you longer.   
You are both DEAD to me. Not only did you send me blasting off like Team Rocket, I stepped on five different rakes leading to me getting smashed with the pole, dodged water balloons, and then you fucking locked me in the room with the goddamn scary wolfhead?! What did I do to deserve this cruel treatment of yours?  
 _Just today or in general since I started working-No, not even from then, since I first started reading the horrendous and wonderful webcomic that led me to work for you?_  
Oh shit Emma’s bout to bring out the receipts to haul your ass back to customer service.   
But you’ve put up with things til now! I don’t get what your tipping point was!  
 _Some of your author’s commentary about an infamous bovine inspired cane._  
Huh.   
She’s talk about the fact you implied VRISKA SERKET made the bull penis cane with Tavros’s lower half.   
_That’s wrong on SO many levels!_  
Oh come on it was a goddamn joke! A witty pun with a bit of macabre humor!  
 _Joking about how the girl who tormented, paralyzed, and murdered a guy made a gag weapon out of his lower half and blatantly inferring it’s a sexual thing is creepy on so many levels. And doing it to Tavros of all people!_  
...When you put it like that.   
_Ugh._   
Well, crude commentary besides, a lesson was hopefully learned. And by that, I mean I got to spend the last half hour pulling off increasingly comedic shit against the boss man, M’n’M got to enjoy being the captain of the author’s vessel for a while, and he’ll probably learn nothing but to be wary of our combined forces. Take what ya can get, Ems.   
_Sigh. I wasn’t expecting much to be fair._   
Well hopefully you haven’t been lounging on your asses, real and virtual, while I was getting Looney Toon-ed across the office.   
We’re actually at the end now, Emma has been doing a standup job of the whole thing. Mayhaps you upgrade her from transcriber to actual content creator?   
Mayhaps I not reprimand her for pulling this stunt with you?  
 _Hal…_  
I’ll drop it for now.   
Alright, time to wrap this up folks, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

 **Final Words**  
As is the norm to those purchasing our HOMESTUCK UNITS, whether you’re in as a first timer or a repeat offender, WHAT PUMPKIN would like to extend our thanks for your continued support for our content. At the end of the day, we’re just trying to make content that will be enjoyed and appreciated by all of you as we’re always thrilled when you do. Tavros is a bit of a shy guy who’s a bit of a doormat {I see you glaring again Emma, I’m just stating the truth and if you and Hal send me on another wild ride, there will be Consequences} who needs the support of some new friends to help him burst outta the cocoon and become a better self. Don’t be surprised by the sudden increase in animals scoping your your house and get ready for some nights of geeking out together. Grab the bull by the horns and enter the friendship rodeo.

**Author's Note:**

> Running a little late with my planned update for the today, but managed to succeed! After the latest author’s commentary for the Homestuck books, I was ready to throw down with the big man but had to settle for Emma and Hal getting his goat for a bit. Couldn’t resist bringing this snarky AI back into the fold for some extra fun. Hopefully this is still entertaining for you as it is for me to write and thanks to all botgal for all the support as usual. Comments and kudos are appreciated and hope everyone is doing well in these crazy time. Expect the latest update to drop 5/07 when we get the delightfully sarcastic, double-hued troll that is Sollux Captor!


End file.
